I'm Still Here......By God's Grace

I know, it's been a while. I know at least one person has noticed my absence from my blog so if I count God, that would make two. I offer no apology for my absence. Believe it or not, I haven't had anything to say.

It is certainly by God's grace that I am here. If I had a kid like me, I'd sent her packing a long time ago. Ever have a time in your life when the harder you try the behinder you get? I'm sure I'm probably the ONLY one of God's kids that have ever had such an experience.

I have no one to blame but myself. A couple years ago I caved in to pressure and agreed to work the really early morning hours on Sundays to help with the ad signs for our weekly flyer. Big mistake, and I know that now. I NEED PREACHED AT! I agreed to work as long as I was off work to attend church services. First it was extended to six hours........then more six hour Sundays.......then more.........then eight hours........then more eight hours. I NEED PREACHED AT! Now I find myself at the mercy of my employer and I haven't been to services in way too long.

I suppose there are a lot of His kids roaming around on this earth that doesn't NEED to go to Sunday services. I AM NOT one of them. The only way I tow the line, the only way I can stay challenged to dig in the word, the only way I can stay on the straight and narrow is to attend services, worship the Lord with all my heart AND GET PREACHED AT!

My husband, Bill, has been a believer forever. I do believe if he passes in the next few minutes he'd wake up in heaven. But, Bill is one of those believers that does just fine with God and for God and doesn't need Sunday services. He said he can sit in a chair at home, stand on the porch, go sit in the bathroom and have Sunday services with God just like I do in a church. That's amazing to me. I know God is everywhere. I know God hears me no matter where I am. I am forevermore praising Him and I am constantly humming or singing songs of praise and the old hymns. But, I NEED PREACHED AT!

I don't know if it's because I was raised to be in church or what. Dad was determined that every time the door of the church was open.......we were there. Until I was a senior in high school, that never bothered me. It was something to do and I had friends to see and in between all that, I did learn a lot. I started my short lived rebellion in my senior year of school so at that point I didn't appreciate being EXPECTED in services every time the door opened. I am a child of the 60's..........enough said!

No one knows how much I long to hug my Dad now and tell him how grateful I am that he was determined to keep us in services every time the door was open. I still miss my Dad so much. It'll be 5 years in July since God took him home. For me, it's seems like it was so much longer ago than that.

I still pray. I can still read scripture and even the Daily Bread devotional. That little book amazes me. I swear every day I read it what is said just simply FITS for that day! I LONG FOR THE HOURS OF STUDY WITH MY HEAVENLY FATHER! I long for it. I can't find it anymore. I simply cannot find it.

There was hardly a service that I attended that I did not HEAR someone say something from the Word that made me want to go "dig" deeper. I NEED to dig deeper. I try........it's just not there.

The spiritual side of me continues to tell me that God trusts me right where I am. That's an honor, ya know! No matter what circumstance YOU find yourself in, if you are one of God's kids, be honored! God trusts you right where you are with exactly what you have, or you'd not be where you are or have what you have. God trusts me! I guess I just don't trust myself.

God trusted me to bury my brother and my Dad within five months of each other. God trusts me to deal on a daily basis with a Mom completely lost in the world of dementia. God trusts me to be a sister, a mom, a grandmother, an aunt, a wife, a friend, AND an employee..........and He trusts me to be all that and not go to services! If I should be honored........then why on earth do I feel such failure, such loss deep in my soul!

I've often spoken of how I love to read the Psalms. Please don't tell my Dad but I've been reading in the NEW King James version! I came across the first few words of Psalms 86:17, "Show me a sign for good......"

As I closed my Bible and headed out the door for work very early that morning, I remembered those words. I walked out on my back porch into a time of day that God had stayed up half the night to paint for me. I had never seen such a gorgeous night sky. The stars just twinkled and shined as I had never seen them before. I had not seen so many stars either. There were dark clouds mingled in with all those gorgeous stars and the moon was about half a moon. It was the most beautiful sight to me!

As I thought of those six words from Psalms, I thought how pitiful that we humans NEED to SEE God DO something. That morning, by God's grace, I saw God! Not a sign from God for good! Not something that was going to give ME anything materially. God had stayed up and painted such a gorgeous sight so that I could see HIS goodness in this land of the living! In those brief moments that I stood and praised Him and honored Him, I saw Him. I saw a version of God I'm sure He doesn't trust just everyone with. What better "sign for good" could there be but Him!

Maybe it's time I trusted myself more..........maybe Bill has it far more together with God than I'll ever understand. Me? I STILL feel I NEED PREACHED AT! By God's grace, I'm still here........and I pray I never forget those moments with God when He trusted me to SEE a "sign for good." As always, it was HIS way...........and that's as it should be!

Til next time............stay in the Word! Know that I care, I covet your continued prayer support for my family and I and know that I pray for you and your family.......hugs to all..........Dea